Slow Down, Colorado

and

Love Letters.

That's where I'll be.

Sincerely,
Someone I used to know.

I colored my hair again.

Go life!

I'm trying to get back to a natural color. The green seems to be rebelling the most. I'm trying to get another job.

Currently filling out an application for Target...And done.

I need to get some sleep. I always sit down to type in here and end up not feeling like it.

Oh well.

I miss my Ronnie. I hope he's having a blast, the weather is fabulous, and the sights are beautiful.

UGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

#frustration squared.

I am in such a shit mood all the time lately. I believe this is what depression feels like. WTF.

I keep coloring my hair over and over and over. I already want to change it again. This is my way of trying to change myself on the outside. I need to figure out what it is exactly that I am trying to bleach and color off of me.

Ronnie's going to be out of town for a while. :( That makes me sad. I'm glad he's going to go and have fun, but I'm going to miss him.

I need to finish cleaning out my car before the repo man comes. That's a happy thought.

FML.

Suck it, life. Suck it hard.

I'm on the edge of glory

and I'm hanging on a moment of truth.

I have been searching for inspiration and something or someone to move me. I have explored a few avenues in my pursuit including, but not limited to movies, books, magazines, and music. I think I have found her. I know it may be slightly absurd, but Lady Gaga really has me floored. I've read up on her and listened to her lyrics and am actually quite inspired. She is in your face and up your ass, but she's her through and through. I love the fashion and hair she sports. You never know what to expect from her and I think that's what hair and fashion should be all about.

I haven't been this inspired since Chanel. I mean really.

I am hoping that by moving back in with my parents, I will find that little piece of me that I've been desperately searching for. I want to have the peace and time to write. So this could either be the best thing for me, or the last straw that will destroy me.

I wonder which it will be.

A good woman will pick you apart

a box full of suggestions for your possible heart.

I <3 Bright Eyes so hard.

It is night and I am alone.

I'm watching Dexter and listening to the rain. It's quit nice.

I think I'll go to bed soon, so that I can try to wake up early and go to the gym.

I wonder what life holds for me in the future.

It's weighing heavy on me as of late.

I love everything to do with fashion and hair.

I seriously don't think I could be more obsessed with it. I really am so flippin lucky that I get to do what I absolutely love every single day.

I just put some fusion extensions in my hair. I am in love with them. I will go back this week and purchase the rest to do my entire head. I just bought a couple of packs to add some hot pink in my hair because it seemed to be the best color choice that would really pop with my black and blonde. Now I am hooked. The second my hair swung in front of my face when I bent over to pick something up, I knew I was headed back the store tomorrow for more hair. I've never really been an extensions kind of girl, but I had never tried fusion before. I wanted to check it out and see if it was something I could do at the salon or if I would like them. I'd never test this kind of stuff out on a client, so I decided to do it to myself. That way, I can test it out, teach myself and possibly show the girls at the salon what I learned.

The result: I'm hooked on fusion!

You can't save me now, I'm in the grip of a hurricane.

I am so tired of shitty days I could scream.

I fucked up my eye today and I hope its better by tomorrow. I really don't have the resources to go to the eye doctor. However, its still blurry and I got something in it like 12 hours ago.

I am so unhappy. I'm fairly confident that I am now dancing across the line of social drinker and alcoholic. I am so scared I'm going to end up like my dad. I feel like everything is out of control right now and I don't know what to do. I simply don't know.

My car keeps fucking up. I now have to buy another goddamn tire for the stupid thing. I'll have to wait until Friday and hope I get paid a decent amount. Everything is pissing me off.

I overheard my roommate talking to her friend about the value of the house since they're planning on moving in the next year and a half/two years. That would have been nice to know.

Maybe it's me. I'm the common denominator in all of these equations of crap that goes on.

Maybe I'll find some peace tonight when I close my eyes. Hopefully dreams stay away and let me linger in the quiet and the darkness tonight. I can't take anymore dreams. Dreams just break your heart.

I'm not saying I want an easy life. Just one that's not so damn hard.

2nd to last day at USC

I'm so stoked. I really hate this place. I am really nervous about everything, but sometimes it's a good thing to force yourself to have butterflies. I'm hoping to have many more butterflies in my future.

The only thing that I'm really actuallly concerned about is the fact that my car payment is due and I don't really have it. At all. Oh yeah, and my cell phone bill is still due.

I'll make it work.

I'm going to have more free time to be a human, so that will be nice. Ronnie and I had a lovely evening on Friday (my birthday). I got the giggles because it was nice to just be taken out to have a good time. There were no alterior motives, nothing was expected from me in return except to have a good time. It was nice.

I feel like I'm about to embark on one of the most important journeys my life has to hold for me. It's going to be rough, I'm going to be stressed, I'm going to freak out, but I'm going to make it. I'm confident in that. Failure is not an option and not in my mind. I'm about to become Shelley Clark, Hair Stylist. I couldn't be happier. My life is going really well right now. I have a good man, a good family, and good friends. I'm starting to take care of myself like I need to be taken care of, and I'm going to have more time for myself. I actually have some little hobbies I've been working on. Everything is trying to fall into place, and I need to just let it happen. I need to stop trying to force everything to be "right". Just because it's not the "right" I have in my mind all wrapped up in a bow, doesn't mean it's not what I need.

I'm excited to learn more about myself and what I'm capable of. I haven't felt really challenged in a while.

Here's to what's coming next.
Cheers!
-Remes

I don't like to say the things in my head out loud.

It just makes them true.

I don't understand why everything has to be so god damn hard for me.

I've been having a really rough time since my graduation party... that no one came to. I've been really upset about it and just moody and moping around the house. I just don't have friends like I used to have and it makes me really sad. I don't know if I did something, or why, but nothing is the same anymore. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am shitty. I thought I was getting better, not shittier. Speaking of getting shittier, now that I'm not going to go to therapy anymore, what if that is what's been keeping me from being uber mega shitty?

I'm really terrified of what's coming next. I have no idea and it scares the hell out of me.

My birthday is tomorrow and I just want to sleep through it. Why celebrate? Who will show up?

I just feel extremely alone right now and all I do is keep people away when all I want is someone to talk to. It's like I get a kick out of torturing myself. It sucks. It sucks a lot. I don't konw if it's survival mode or me just being super fucked up. Either way, it blows majorly.

I just don't know what to do, what to say, or how to act right now.

Of course I'm being overly dramatic about not being with anyone on my birthday. Ronnie is taking me out and I'm sure I'll have a lovely, wonderful time with him. I'm just sad that he's going to be the only one to notice the day go by.

*yawn*

Aren't my Valentine's Day tulips pretty? I may just be the luckiest girl in the world. :-)

I am so exhausted tonight!

I am quitting USC in 12 days... It's freaking crazy. I can't believe I'm actually going to get to leave that place. I love my salon job. I'm happy I'll be able to spend more time there. It scares me to not have a steady income, but I'm going to have to try and make it work.

I just finished reading a book. It was written like shit in my opinion. It felt like I was reading a 12 year old's English assignment that they got a C- on. Authors like that make me want to publish a book, because there's obviously a low standard out there. If this dude is a best selling author...

Whatever. I know I'll never get around to actually doing it.

My eyes are crossing because I'm so sleepy.. I'm going to shut them now.


-Shells

I've been letting my past bring me down again

I can't believe I'm doing it AGAIN.
Seriously. I'd really love to learn some new mistakes to make. My internal balance is too easily upset. I just want to move forward, but it seems like every time I do something little happens and I come completely unglued. Then it's just like tipping a bucket of water. You don't want it all to spill, but you can't help it.

I feel like no matter how hard I work on myself, I never seem to get to a place where I'm comfortable with me. I am so god damn insecure. I'm not good enough for myself, how could I ever be good enough for anyone else? I need a vacation. Changing my scenery always helps me put a new perspective on things. I think that's why I've been wanting to move so bad. Because seriously, who lives like this? It's awful. I've really just let myself go. I'm not sure when or why, but I gave up.

I've been trying. I really have. I think I can prove that to myself by the fact that I'm writing again. It's just a blog or in my journal, but I'm doing it again. I have an itch to write creatively again. That last entry was the first poem style writing I've done in years. I sat down and wrote almost 6 chapters of a book the first time I went to Colorado. I think this place is too fast paced for me. I feel like if I'm not continually moving, life will pass me by; when actually it's the exact opposite. By moving so fast I have let the life I want pass by. I want to be somewhere where if you wander off into the mountains and sit with a book or a notebook for hours at a time it's not strange. Here I feel like I could sleep my life away and it would be just as rewarding as if I was awake. At least in dreams, they're mine.

I'm going to try. I am. I can't not try ever again. I know I'm going to slip and fall. A lot. But I always have to get back up.

I keep thinking about Cedric, my old boss when he would say, "with the end in sight, what steps did you take to get there?" Perhaps that's what I need now. A plan, detailing the steps on how to be the person that I want so desperately to be.

She Dances

Tiptoe over the shattered glass
Windows and mirrors broken and littering the ballroom
They once were hung in beauty
Sheltering the occupants from the wind and the cold
Reflecting the smiles once seen here

This place, now so full of dark, used to be light
Now only the pale moon shines
Leaving shadows where once grand candleabrras stood
Once filled with music and laughter
Now dares you to make a sound as the wind whispers through

"This place could still be beautiful"
She thinks
"If no one had forgotten it was still here"
She touches the moss grown over the walls
and her heart fills with sorrow for the old building

A cloud moves over the moon
The marble floor begins to sparkle from the stained glass littered there
She smiles
She can see the beauty and magic this place still holds onto
And so, she dances.

Kung Fu movies always make me want to kick someone in the face

just for fun. I think that's why I love Tony Ja so much. I really want to learn that flying knee to the chest/head move he does. LOVE IT!!!

Shit's been real, yo.

Life is so strange. My dad has tried to kill himself twice in the past few weeks. The first time he tried to drink himself to death (which he tried before when I was around 11 or 12) but this last time, he tried to suffocate himself with a plastic bag.

That's fucked up.

For me, the drinking yourself to death is kind of a cop out. You get to get too messed up to really realize what your doing and then your just gone. I was pissed when I found out he did it again. I'm so angry at him. I've spent my whole childhood trying to make him proud of me so that he'd notice me and my entire adult life thus far pissed off at him because he still won't actively participate in my life. So I decided this past year, when he started drinking again, that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I don't want someone like that in my life, biological father or not. I separated our blood relationship and my last name from the equation and found that if someone treated me the way he does, I wouldn't put up with it at all. So I stopped talking to him. I guess a part of me had an idea that maybe he'd miss me and want me in his life, but that did not happen. I knew it wouldn't but I guess holding onto hope is one thing I've always been good at. My dad's side of the family isn't exactly in the Shelley fan club right now.

All of this has made me think about death again so soon after my uncle's funeral. I can't help but think about it now. I would not want to die here. If I decided I was going to kill myself, I would never do it here. I'd go somewhere beautiful. I wouldn't want my last sights in this life to be four walls or the smoke from the mill. I'd want to be in the mountains breathing clean air and seeing the sky and the stars; I'd want to be on a beach or in a forest. Not in Granite fucking City.

My aunt said something to me last night at the hospital about the "Clark" gene. That, needless to say, terrified me. What the hell does that mean? That one day I'll just realize I'm a Clark and jump off a building? Or that I'll look so hard for myself in the bottom of a bottle that I'll never come back up? I do not deserve to be compared to him. I'm not him and to be honest, he's never liked me anyway.

I have never wanted to run away so badly in my life before. I just want stability and I feel like I'll never be at peace here. Everywhere I turn, my reality is there to find me and bite me in the ass. My heart is pulling me west. I loved my time in the mountains. They make me feel safe; like they'll protect me or something. I have a handful of good people in my life that I trust right now. All I want to do is pull away from everything because I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be abandoned, I don't want anyone to take advatage of me, and I don't want to care too much about anyone because it will end the same as it always does.

Me hurting and alone because I've shut everyone else out.

I am so antisocial!

It makes me feel like such a dick sometimes, but I really just like being alone.

Weakness begets evil

That is all I kept thinking about while watching the owl movie Jenna brought home last night. It actually a pretty good childrens movie. It had a pretty acurate description of war. It didn't glorify it, which I thought was pretty cool.

I've been sleeping on my futon all weekend. It's really uncomfortable to sit on, but I guess because it's so small it keeps me from tossing and turning and my back doesn't hurt when I wake up. My knee is another story all together. Tit for tat I suppose. I'm sure I'll go back to sleeping in my bed tonight. We'll see.

My graduation ceremony is today. I'm pretty excited about that. My manfriend will meet my parents. It should go fine. I'm just a little nervous about it... I think they'll get along. I need to get up and start finding some clothes to wear tonight. And food... I'm hungry.

I may see if one of my room mates will let me borrow their car to get some things. Pearly girl is still at the car Dr. I can't wait to have her home and hit the open road. I think we should drive up to the mall or just cruise up and down the highway at high speeds. I miss her. Dearly.

I'm starting to hoard my money again, which is not necessarily good.

Well, I need to get my day started.
Cheers!
-Remes

Flesh is flesh. Flesh is flesh is flesh.

I don't know why I have that song stuck in my head. I guess I should listen to it to try and get it out.

Ah, there it is.. The sweet melodies of Peter, Bjorn, and John.

I'm off today and so completely bored it's stupid. I wish I had my car so I could go do something... I really want to go buy underwear. I have no idea why; that's something I'm not usually into all that much. I guess I really am changing. hehe It's kind of fun. Okay it's really fun.

I think today I'm going to watch Kill Bill and do push ups. For some reason when I watch Kung Fu movies it always makes me want to work out. I wonder if I can remember any of my Southern Praying Mantis exercises..

I really, really want to go shopping. Not. Good. I'm a slight shopaholic. Eek!

Okay I'm rambling.
Going to do something else now.
-Remes

Sweet Jesus, I should be sleeping!

I have a really long day tomorrow and for some reason I am refusing to sleep. I literally have to be up in like 6 hours.

Meh.

I bought a shower curtain for the place I want to get... I'm really starting to get scared about this decision. I probably can't afford it, but I really want it. It's too good to pass up. Maybe I'll just start renting it, and when I get more stable I'll move in. I have no idea what is in my boxes at my mom's house. I know I have glasses, and pasta plates- I believe I lost dishes in the dividing of things. I'll also have to sort through the pots and pans and towels here and figure out which ones are actually mine... Oh yeah, and tell Lisa that I'm thinking about moving out. I really just feel like it's time to have my own space again. I'm such a loner. I need so much alone time it's stupid. I'll have to turn on water and power so I can see/clean when I go over there.. I need to check prices on internet. I seriously cannot live without the internet.

I have an interview on Saturday at Sally's. I'm thinking about trying to pick up a bartending job too while I build up my client base at the salon. Can you tell how bad I want my own place?

My car is going to the shop on Thursday! Yes!

Considering how many times I had to type and retype Thursday, I think it's time to close my eyes.
..Right after I see how much basic DSL is.

Goodnight!

Well, well, well.

I need to stop napping during the day. I seem to have the strangest dreams when I do. For instance, today when I woke up I would have sworn to you that I visited the afterlife and am no longer afraid of dying... Not to quote Twilight or anything, but I think they had a good point with this line, "Dying is easy, life is hard." Or something along those lines, it's not verbatum.

It's hard to type when I'm feeling this philosphical and introspective. Every time I stop to take a drag off of my cigarette, my mind goes on a different tangent. Don't worry, I'm almost done smoking.

I can feel something inside me starting to shift. I'm thinking about everything again in depth. Sometimes too far, but please don't consider it your stereotypical overanalyzing- it's something more than that. My ability to think about things and try to understand them used to be my favorite thing about myself, but I lost that part of me a long time ago. I guess when I decided to join the game of "life" which is the public as a whole's view of how I should be. I threw that notion in the trash for good about a week ago and it seems like the person I used to be is starting to flow back into my body. I'm not okay with mediocracy; I'm not okay with just getting by; I'm not okay with not being happy and not being someone that I love. I threw it all away for my white picket fence life. I threw it all away because I wanted someone to love me more than they loved themself. I threw it all away on a lie I fabricated in my own mind.

Take the man I'm seeing for example. I absolutely adore him. He's great to me in pretty much every way. Then something gets triggered inside me (usually when I talk to other people) and I start freaking out. We've been dating since before Thanksgiving. Sometimes people ask me about my "boyfriend". Well, I don't technically have a boyfriend and that's a pill some people have a hard time swallowing. They start planting these seeds about "commitment issues" and "not respecting me enough" and my personal favorite "waiting for something better". That last one is a doosey. That is enough to send me down a self loathing spiral of crazy to be spewed all over said man that I adore, who had nothing to do with the comment itself in the first place.

Why am I supposed to have a label? For security purposes? I know he's not out messing around with other girls. I don't need him to be my "boyfriend" for him to know that that is something that would hurt me. I'm not his girlfriend, but I respect him enough to not go home with some random asshole from a bar because I'm feeling frisky and he's not with me. He knows I care about him, and I know he cares about me (which I need more reassurance than he does in this department). I'm okay with how we are now. It doesn't bother me until someone convinces me that it should. I almost feel like if I pushed the issue for him to be my boyfriend that I might as well hike my leg and pee on him in front of other people so they know he's "mine".

People look at me like I have a 3rd eyeball on my face when I say I'm not interested in getting married. Do I like the idea of loving someone so much you want to let the world know that they're the only person you want to be with for the rest of your life? Absolutely. I'm not the heartless bitch people think I am when I say that, I am female and a hopeless romantic after all. I think marraige is wonderful- if it's for the right reasons. I don't want to get married because I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I've had to spend the past 24 years with myself, and I'm okay with hanging out with me. We always do what I want to do, eat what I want to eat, and never get forced or guilted into doing something I don't want. See? Doesn't sound so bad, huh? I'm not saying I don't get lonely, but that's why I got a cat. He's a wonderful cuddler and he never talks back or tells me I'm a lunitic for talking to a cat. It's really a win/win.

I never married my Barbies when I was little (if I did, they usually got divorced because Ken's an asshole and could never keep it in his pants... HELLLLOOOO therapy!). I didn't plan my wedding when I was 13 down to the bridesmaids and cross them off my list when they pissed me off. I did dream of finding a man who would look at me the way my Grandpa looked at my Grandma. I wanted to find a man that would see me and emmit love so the whole room could feel it. That's what I want in my life. I don't want a husband, I want my "soul mate" I guess. I want someone to love that when they get sick, or hurt, I feel it burn inside me because their happiness makes me happy.

I may have gone a little too far there, but it felt right so I kept typing. Back to my original point: The whole title thing is something that wars inside of me. It's because of the world's view on how things should be, and my view on how I'm okay with the way things are. It's hard to break free of society's standards because they're everywhere. For a while I thought something was wrong with me because I didn't think like my friends. I'm sure my mother wanted to drown me after I learned the word "why", because I wanted to know everything. I have always wanted to know how something works, why it works that way, what happens if you change this about it, why does that happen, etc... It's just who I am and how I've always been and I love that about me. I can't have someone tell me something and not question it. Questioning everything is probably the only thing that has kept me sane over the years I've been alive.

I'll leave it at that for now.
Sweet dreams, internet.
-Shelley

First blog of the New Year!

I will officially be done with school tomorrow at 11:30am. I'm very pleased with this.

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me and it has definately taken it's toll on me. I have been either super amped up emotional or completely numb. It's time to start feeling again.

I've been in robot mode since I started school just to cope with all the stress and not freak out all the time. It worked most of the time...

I'm planning on doing a lot of soul searching and giving myself ample time to myself to get to know me again. I'm going to try and reinvent myself into someone I can stand, because right now- I'm not that girl. I want to get back into writing, I want to be healthier, and I want to love.

I'm excited to start making money again and not just scrape by. I need to try and get out of debt soonish and be able to support myself and maybe get my own place. I really want to live alone. Well, just me and my Winston.

Here's to a fresh start. New job, new year, new Shelley.