I've been letting my past bring me down again

I can't believe I'm doing it AGAIN.
Seriously. I'd really love to learn some new mistakes to make. My internal balance is too easily upset. I just want to move forward, but it seems like every time I do something little happens and I come completely unglued. Then it's just like tipping a bucket of water. You don't want it all to spill, but you can't help it.

I feel like no matter how hard I work on myself, I never seem to get to a place where I'm comfortable with me. I am so god damn insecure. I'm not good enough for myself, how could I ever be good enough for anyone else? I need a vacation. Changing my scenery always helps me put a new perspective on things. I think that's why I've been wanting to move so bad. Because seriously, who lives like this? It's awful. I've really just let myself go. I'm not sure when or why, but I gave up.

I've been trying. I really have. I think I can prove that to myself by the fact that I'm writing again. It's just a blog or in my journal, but I'm doing it again. I have an itch to write creatively again. That last entry was the first poem style writing I've done in years. I sat down and wrote almost 6 chapters of a book the first time I went to Colorado. I think this place is too fast paced for me. I feel like if I'm not continually moving, life will pass me by; when actually it's the exact opposite. By moving so fast I have let the life I want pass by. I want to be somewhere where if you wander off into the mountains and sit with a book or a notebook for hours at a time it's not strange. Here I feel like I could sleep my life away and it would be just as rewarding as if I was awake. At least in dreams, they're mine.

I'm going to try. I am. I can't not try ever again. I know I'm going to slip and fall. A lot. But I always have to get back up.

I keep thinking about Cedric, my old boss when he would say, "with the end in sight, what steps did you take to get there?" Perhaps that's what I need now. A plan, detailing the steps on how to be the person that I want so desperately to be.