At first I was all "FML" now I'm like FMA (attitude)

After I was not chosen for Spread the Love, while I was in New York, I understood why the other peoole were chosen over me. I learned a lot about myself and what I am, what I want to be, and what I need to change. I am still grateful for my experience, it really showed me my true colors. I also know that if I was just discovering them there, then I really wasn't going to be the best fit over my fellow finalists.

When I left the hotel, I went to the fron desk and asked for a car to La Guardia. I started to cry. I walked out front and smoked a cigarette, still crying. When I got into the cab, I stopped. Sam called me to make sure I'd gotten up when I needed to. I told him I was already on my way to the airport, he told me he loved me and I him and we hung up. Tears started falling again. All morning at the airport I felt drained, weepy, and strange. I wanted to be home in bed, but I wanted to be back at the Matrix academy learning and soaking up more from them. I wanted to be there to support my new friends; I did not want to go home and tell everyone I failed.

When I got back I called Sandy (my instructor and owner of my school). I wanted to call her that morning, but I knew I'd cry in the airport. I stood outside the terminal and talked to her, she was proud of me. I didn't understand why. I didn't make it.

My parents picked me up and asked me about the trip. I was physically and emotionally drained. I just wanted to sleep. They convinced me I needed to eat something, so we went to lunch. I picked at a salad and had a BLT. While eating, a part of my bad tooth chipped off. It freaked me out and I didn't want to eat any more. They took me home and I slept... More like coma'd for four hours. I got up, took a shower, and wanted to go out. I started to do my hair and my Chi wouldn't work. It worked in New York, but when I plugged it in, nothing happened. I obviously got a little upset. It's the iron I use at the salon, so I have to buy a new one. Not exactly what I wanted to do with my money at this point in time. I straitened my hair with a curling iron decently enough, and went out. I had a good night, but it was starting to feel like I had dreamed my New York experience. I really felt like I was somebody in New York, and to come back and just be myself again wasn't the best feeling in the world. I knew I'd changed, but my surroundings and my environment was making me feel differently. I started to believe it.

Ronnie and I had a good night. I missed him more than I cared to admit, but after I lost the only place I really wanted to be was in his arms. I like the person I see reflected in his eyes, not the one in mine when I look in the mirror. After I lost, I went back to the hotel and sat in front of a mirror for a long time. I stared myself in the eyes and wondered who I'd let myself become. I couldn't remember when I stopped caring about myself, but I have a vague idea of the timeframe.

Yesterday, I went to a memorial for one of my instructor's children. She was unfortunate enough to lose two children this month. I became emotional as soon as I saw her. I can't stand that something this tragic happened to her. When I left, I decided that I wanted to go to the mall and buy some makeup for myself. I received a gift card from Matrix when I was in New York and I wanted to do something nice for myself with it. On my way to the mall, my engine shut down.

Yes, I was driving and my engine shut off. My car will not start now, and I have no idea what is wrong with it. I have absolutely no money to pay for it to be repaired. I'm more than a little upset about my car.

So to recap: as soon as I get back my tooth breaks, my Chi breaks, and my car is broken down. I was laying in bed last night, fairly confident I might be hit by a bus or get food poisoning today, and I lost it. I'm not a crier. I never cry. Especially not when I'm at home.

My mentality at that point was, "I get it. I'm home, I'm a nobody again, please stop shitting on me, life."

Today I'm choosing to not be upset. Correction: I'm trying not to be upset. It's hard. Instead of my thoughts last night, I'm taking it as a sign to never forget New York. I'm taking it as a sign that if I stay here and continue down the path I was headed, that this will be my life. I have been warned that I should never settle for mediocracy or this is what my life will ultimately end up as; getting shit on every time I turn around.

There's my life lesson I'm sharing with the world.
-Remes

New York, New York.

I leave in 2 days for New York. I still have not packed.

I'm such a procrastinator!!!

I made a list of things I need to bring at school today. I feel slightly more accomplished. I need to grab my blow dryer and flat iron from the salon when I leave tomorrow.

I'm so excited to be going to New York. I have always wanted to go, but have not had the pleasure of going yet. Very cool.

My hair is purple now. So are my ears, my pillow, my towels, my shirt collars, etc. Purple hair is fun, purple things are not. I also now wear a long blonde wig to work. They told me I couldn't have purple hair, so I purchased a wig. My boss is pleased. All is well in US Cellular land once again.

I'm nervous about the airport in New York. I have a feeling I will be slightly overwhelmed. I'm not excited that it's supposed to snow again before I leave/while I'm leaving. The weather is being a butt-munch as far as I am concerned.

I need nourishment, a shower, sleep, and some serious face time with my closet and suitcase.

Good evening, internet.
-Remes

PS- Wigs are itchy.

RIP

I will never understand how a person can throw their entire life away because another person told them to. What happened to the days of using your own brain, forming your own thoughts, and making your own decisions? How quickly people fall "in love" just so they don't have to lay by themselves at night.

I am mourning the loss of a once very dear friend of over six years... I'm struggling with it because I never saw it coming. I feel like there's been a death in my life, but I guess that makes sense; the death of a very important relationship. He was someone I could always call if I needed him. I've called him in utter despare in the middle of the night and he came right over and got me out of my house. We drove around for hours, just to make me feel better. I've needed him, depended on him, and counted on him. He was the one constant in my life.

The part that really hurts is that on several counts, the tables have been turned. I've chosen him and stuck up for our friendship numerous times. I have only once let a man tell me who I can and cannot speak to or hang out with. Guess what? I was 16 and thought I was in love. There is no one on this earth that could tell me who I can and cannot have in my life. If someone wants to control you- it's not love. If they cannot trust you or your judgement, then there is something very wrong there. It's not okay for people to do that, and it's REALLY not okay to let them.

It's just so hard to wrap my head around. I feel like I've been in love before, but if that is what love is then I want no part of it. Love should not shun a friendship just because someone feels threatened. I know love, and love woudn't do that. I know jealousy exists, I've been victim to it myself. This girl has never even met me. She knows nothing about me, who I am, or what I'm about. I feel like if she could see us interact, she would know that it's okay. I love him dearly and want nothing but the best for him, and by what limited experiences I've had with her- like her answering his phone when I call and telling me to "stop calling her boyfriend" or trying to take him away from me- she's not right for him. He's an outgoing flirty guy and if she can't handle me being his friend... He's going to be miserable.

I'm worried about him because I'll never be there to catch him when he falls again. This is the end of our friendship and I am mourning.