A once warm body, now lays cold. This is my friend? This was my friend? What the fuck happened? How was the pain so great, that no one knew? How did the music no longer heal? How did you not explain how you feel? To everyone, to anyone, to just one? What the fuck happened? The people who love you now gather, I bet you didn't realize just how many. We huddle and cry and wipe away the others' tears. We are all left asking the same question, No one knows the answer, the answer doesn't matter anyway. What the fuck happened? You are gone and we are left. There is a hole in the universe, where you once resided. We all can all feel it, it resonates and shakes- the aftermath that made the very earth tremble. What the fuck happened.

So yeah.

I can't even form enough coherent thoughts to write anymore. I haven't for a very long time. I can't figure out what is wrong with me. I'm spiraling out of control again. I'm crying, drinking until I can't remember things, and just making giant leaps backwards into the hell that I came from. Why? Why would I do that when I know where that road leads? Am I insane? The definition is repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome. Should I just go ahead and commit myself know before I hurt someone or end up hurting myself?

Who fucking knows.

So what am I doing? I'm doing all of the things I don't want to do. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to drink myself into oblivion. I want to be happy. I don't know how to be happy anymore. I like to watch Sex and the City. That makes me happy. I like to do hair. That makes me happy.

And I'm done. I can't even focus on this long enough to actually make any sense of myself. I guess I'm just going to bed.

I am fucking miserable.