I've been using my brain again... How terrible.

I believe that most people who are alive have had, at least once in their life, thoughts of suicide. If not, then they have not truly lived. They have not experienced the grief of losing a loved one, a dream, or just the will to continue when things get rough. I think about suicide a lot. Not because I struggle with it (anymore), but because of my friend's death not so long ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I wonder about his last days. I wonder if I could have changed his mind with a small gesture. I wonder if he would have lived if I had called him, or if it would have just prolonged his life for a few days, months, or years. I know that his death has had a profound impact on me. I know what he did and how it jilted my entire life. I know that I could never, ever put anyone I love through that. I've always been a slight martyr, though. I will live unhappily if it means someone else's happiness. I will stay in relationships too long because I don't want to hurt anyone. Even if I am absolutely miserable, I will stick it out as long as I can stand just to not hurt the person I love. I've loved a lot. For that I am grateful, I will always love the people I have loved. They will always be in my heart and I will think of them often, if not every day. When they pop into my head, I try to send good energy their way and hope it reaches them in health and happiness. I know I've said not so nice things about people, but I am human. More than that, I am sensitive. I get hurt very, very easily and it's something I wish I could change. Believe me. I'd like to not act like a high school teenager crying in the bathroom every time I'm not invited to something. It's exhausting. It makes me feel bad about myself. There was something else I was going to touch on, but I can't think of it. My brother is here and talking to me. It's hard to concentrate. I miss my grandmother, dearly. This will be the first mother's day without her. I am almost in completely sorrow again over it. I want to live the way she lived. She was beautiful. Inside and out. Unless she missed her morning coffee- look out world! She had a quiet comfort about her. Just being in her presence had a calming effect on you. She was a lady, but she'd put you in your place if you needed it. I physically ache over her being gone. I still long for my grandpa, so I know that these feelings will probably be with me as I lay dying and waiting to be welcomed back into their arms. I know they are with me always. Well, I have a cheesecake to attend to. Goodnight world. May the stars keep you.

Why don't you come to your senses? You've been out running fences for far too long.

I'm thinking that after I get my car in line I may take a trip by myself... I'm thinking Shawnee National Park. I've never seen the Garden of the Gods and that just doesn't seem right since I live so close. I think it will be good for me to get out of here for a couple of days and just be alone and unreachable. I'll have to buy/borrow a tent. I know how to pitch a tent and build a fire. I should survive. Ha. We'll see. I need to find my camping knife. I'm sure it's with the rest of my camping stuff. I have so much going on in my mind it is unreal. My thoughts are in relentless pursuit of my sanity. I need to finish my book and send it out into the world. It is very close to the end. I guess I've never been very good at endings. It has been my companion for so long that it is hard to let go of it. I know it's for the best that it is finished and sent out into the world, but that doesn't make it any less scary. Well, I'm off to do more big girl things today. May the stars keep you.

Life sure is funny.

Change always happens. I don't do well with change. Currently rearranging some things... It's hard when things end. It's harder when you know it's for the best and it still stings with such a force that it makes you sick. I need sleep. I need air. I need a vacation. I just want to head to the mountains and stay. I love the mountains so much. When everything ended, I looked up jobs in state parks. I would miss my cat too much. I would miss my clients too much. I guess I'm just stuck here for a while. Maybe I can plan an escape soon.

You can't save me.

A once warm body, now lays cold. This is my friend? This was my friend? What the fuck happened? How was the pain so great, that no one knew? How did the music no longer heal? How did you not explain how you feel? To everyone, to anyone, to just one? What the fuck happened? The people who love you now gather, I bet you didn't realize just how many. We huddle and cry and wipe away the others' tears. We are all left asking the same question, No one knows the answer, the answer doesn't matter anyway. What the fuck happened? You are gone and we are left. There is a hole in the universe, where you once resided. We all can all feel it, it resonates and shakes- the aftermath that made the very earth tremble. What the fuck happened.

So yeah.

I can't even form enough coherent thoughts to write anymore. I haven't for a very long time. I can't figure out what is wrong with me. I'm spiraling out of control again. I'm crying, drinking until I can't remember things, and just making giant leaps backwards into the hell that I came from. Why? Why would I do that when I know where that road leads? Am I insane? The definition is repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome. Should I just go ahead and commit myself know before I hurt someone or end up hurting myself?

Who fucking knows.

So what am I doing? I'm doing all of the things I don't want to do. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to drink myself into oblivion. I want to be happy. I don't know how to be happy anymore. I like to watch Sex and the City. That makes me happy. I like to do hair. That makes me happy.

And I'm done. I can't even focus on this long enough to actually make any sense of myself. I guess I'm just going to bed.

I am fucking miserable.