I've been using my brain again... How terrible.

I believe that most people who are alive have had, at least once in their life, thoughts of suicide. If not, then they have not truly lived. They have not experienced the grief of losing a loved one, a dream, or just the will to continue when things get rough. I think about suicide a lot. Not because I struggle with it (anymore), but because of my friend's death not so long ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I wonder about his last days. I wonder if I could have changed his mind with a small gesture. I wonder if he would have lived if I had called him, or if it would have just prolonged his life for a few days, months, or years. I know that his death has had a profound impact on me. I know what he did and how it jilted my entire life. I know that I could never, ever put anyone I love through that. I've always been a slight martyr, though. I will live unhappily if it means someone else's happiness. I will stay in relationships too long because I don't want to hurt anyone. Even if I am absolutely miserable, I will stick it out as long as I can stand just to not hurt the person I love. I've loved a lot. For that I am grateful, I will always love the people I have loved. They will always be in my heart and I will think of them often, if not every day. When they pop into my head, I try to send good energy their way and hope it reaches them in health and happiness. I know I've said not so nice things about people, but I am human. More than that, I am sensitive. I get hurt very, very easily and it's something I wish I could change. Believe me. I'd like to not act like a high school teenager crying in the bathroom every time I'm not invited to something. It's exhausting. It makes me feel bad about myself. There was something else I was going to touch on, but I can't think of it. My brother is here and talking to me. It's hard to concentrate. I miss my grandmother, dearly. This will be the first mother's day without her. I am almost in completely sorrow again over it. I want to live the way she lived. She was beautiful. Inside and out. Unless she missed her morning coffee- look out world! She had a quiet comfort about her. Just being in her presence had a calming effect on you. She was a lady, but she'd put you in your place if you needed it. I physically ache over her being gone. I still long for my grandpa, so I know that these feelings will probably be with me as I lay dying and waiting to be welcomed back into their arms. I know they are with me always. Well, I have a cheesecake to attend to. Goodnight world. May the stars keep you.