At first I was all "FML" now I'm like FMA (attitude)

After I was not chosen for Spread the Love, while I was in New York, I understood why the other peoole were chosen over me. I learned a lot about myself and what I am, what I want to be, and what I need to change. I am still grateful for my experience, it really showed me my true colors. I also know that if I was just discovering them there, then I really wasn't going to be the best fit over my fellow finalists.

When I left the hotel, I went to the fron desk and asked for a car to La Guardia. I started to cry. I walked out front and smoked a cigarette, still crying. When I got into the cab, I stopped. Sam called me to make sure I'd gotten up when I needed to. I told him I was already on my way to the airport, he told me he loved me and I him and we hung up. Tears started falling again. All morning at the airport I felt drained, weepy, and strange. I wanted to be home in bed, but I wanted to be back at the Matrix academy learning and soaking up more from them. I wanted to be there to support my new friends; I did not want to go home and tell everyone I failed.

When I got back I called Sandy (my instructor and owner of my school). I wanted to call her that morning, but I knew I'd cry in the airport. I stood outside the terminal and talked to her, she was proud of me. I didn't understand why. I didn't make it.

My parents picked me up and asked me about the trip. I was physically and emotionally drained. I just wanted to sleep. They convinced me I needed to eat something, so we went to lunch. I picked at a salad and had a BLT. While eating, a part of my bad tooth chipped off. It freaked me out and I didn't want to eat any more. They took me home and I slept... More like coma'd for four hours. I got up, took a shower, and wanted to go out. I started to do my hair and my Chi wouldn't work. It worked in New York, but when I plugged it in, nothing happened. I obviously got a little upset. It's the iron I use at the salon, so I have to buy a new one. Not exactly what I wanted to do with my money at this point in time. I straitened my hair with a curling iron decently enough, and went out. I had a good night, but it was starting to feel like I had dreamed my New York experience. I really felt like I was somebody in New York, and to come back and just be myself again wasn't the best feeling in the world. I knew I'd changed, but my surroundings and my environment was making me feel differently. I started to believe it.

Ronnie and I had a good night. I missed him more than I cared to admit, but after I lost the only place I really wanted to be was in his arms. I like the person I see reflected in his eyes, not the one in mine when I look in the mirror. After I lost, I went back to the hotel and sat in front of a mirror for a long time. I stared myself in the eyes and wondered who I'd let myself become. I couldn't remember when I stopped caring about myself, but I have a vague idea of the timeframe.

Yesterday, I went to a memorial for one of my instructor's children. She was unfortunate enough to lose two children this month. I became emotional as soon as I saw her. I can't stand that something this tragic happened to her. When I left, I decided that I wanted to go to the mall and buy some makeup for myself. I received a gift card from Matrix when I was in New York and I wanted to do something nice for myself with it. On my way to the mall, my engine shut down.

Yes, I was driving and my engine shut off. My car will not start now, and I have no idea what is wrong with it. I have absolutely no money to pay for it to be repaired. I'm more than a little upset about my car.

So to recap: as soon as I get back my tooth breaks, my Chi breaks, and my car is broken down. I was laying in bed last night, fairly confident I might be hit by a bus or get food poisoning today, and I lost it. I'm not a crier. I never cry. Especially not when I'm at home.

My mentality at that point was, "I get it. I'm home, I'm a nobody again, please stop shitting on me, life."

Today I'm choosing to not be upset. Correction: I'm trying not to be upset. It's hard. Instead of my thoughts last night, I'm taking it as a sign to never forget New York. I'm taking it as a sign that if I stay here and continue down the path I was headed, that this will be my life. I have been warned that I should never settle for mediocracy or this is what my life will ultimately end up as; getting shit on every time I turn around.

There's my life lesson I'm sharing with the world.
-Remes

New York, New York.

I leave in 2 days for New York. I still have not packed.

I'm such a procrastinator!!!

I made a list of things I need to bring at school today. I feel slightly more accomplished. I need to grab my blow dryer and flat iron from the salon when I leave tomorrow.

I'm so excited to be going to New York. I have always wanted to go, but have not had the pleasure of going yet. Very cool.

My hair is purple now. So are my ears, my pillow, my towels, my shirt collars, etc. Purple hair is fun, purple things are not. I also now wear a long blonde wig to work. They told me I couldn't have purple hair, so I purchased a wig. My boss is pleased. All is well in US Cellular land once again.

I'm nervous about the airport in New York. I have a feeling I will be slightly overwhelmed. I'm not excited that it's supposed to snow again before I leave/while I'm leaving. The weather is being a butt-munch as far as I am concerned.

I need nourishment, a shower, sleep, and some serious face time with my closet and suitcase.

Good evening, internet.
-Remes

PS- Wigs are itchy.

RIP

I will never understand how a person can throw their entire life away because another person told them to. What happened to the days of using your own brain, forming your own thoughts, and making your own decisions? How quickly people fall "in love" just so they don't have to lay by themselves at night.

I am mourning the loss of a once very dear friend of over six years... I'm struggling with it because I never saw it coming. I feel like there's been a death in my life, but I guess that makes sense; the death of a very important relationship. He was someone I could always call if I needed him. I've called him in utter despare in the middle of the night and he came right over and got me out of my house. We drove around for hours, just to make me feel better. I've needed him, depended on him, and counted on him. He was the one constant in my life.

The part that really hurts is that on several counts, the tables have been turned. I've chosen him and stuck up for our friendship numerous times. I have only once let a man tell me who I can and cannot speak to or hang out with. Guess what? I was 16 and thought I was in love. There is no one on this earth that could tell me who I can and cannot have in my life. If someone wants to control you- it's not love. If they cannot trust you or your judgement, then there is something very wrong there. It's not okay for people to do that, and it's REALLY not okay to let them.

It's just so hard to wrap my head around. I feel like I've been in love before, but if that is what love is then I want no part of it. Love should not shun a friendship just because someone feels threatened. I know love, and love woudn't do that. I know jealousy exists, I've been victim to it myself. This girl has never even met me. She knows nothing about me, who I am, or what I'm about. I feel like if she could see us interact, she would know that it's okay. I love him dearly and want nothing but the best for him, and by what limited experiences I've had with her- like her answering his phone when I call and telling me to "stop calling her boyfriend" or trying to take him away from me- she's not right for him. He's an outgoing flirty guy and if she can't handle me being his friend... He's going to be miserable.

I'm worried about him because I'll never be there to catch him when he falls again. This is the end of our friendship and I am mourning.

I got my call!

Matrix called me and informed me that I am a finalist in Spread the Love!!!! I could not be more excited! I get to go to New York! I don't really think it's fully sunk in yet. I believe I'll be sitting in the airport waiting for my flight when I get my "Holy Crap" moment.

Spread the Love seems to be consuming my thoughts, but I have to stay focussed right now and study for my sanitation test and my practical; which is next Saturday. I'm confident I will pass it, but strangely- that's what's making me nervous. I'm afraid I'm over simplifying it in my head. I do not, however, want to overthink it either. I need to find my middle ground and stay there.

I had a really lovely Thanksgiving. I had the whole day off and really felt/feel lucky and thankful for everything good I have in my life right now. This year has flown by so fast. I cannot believe I'm about to graduate school. I did it. I put in all my hours. After almost 12 months of 60-70 hour weeks, I'm almost done. It's unreal. I know I will have days upon days of "what do I do with myself?"... Rest assured, I'll find something. AND if I get to continue on with Spread the Love, I won't have too much time to worry about it. =)

Cheers,
-Remes

I'm working on my escape plan

AKA my Spread the Love homework. :-D

It's really been pretty stressfull trying to juggle everything I've got going on currently. I've got school and work, Spread the Love, and I'm trying to get my internship set up so I can start November 16. Phew!!! There is not an idle moment in my life right now.

I'm off to close the store down... I'm thinking my next entry will be my blog questions for Spread the Love. =)


Life is busy, but life is good.

I am in love!

..with this song! There is no better feeling than finding new music you totally dig. Currently listening to Mumford and Sons "Little Lion Man". Those boys can really get down on some strings!

I have my Halloween party tomorrow at school. I had to do some last minute baking. I was a real Betty Crocker this evening. It was nice. With school and work, I don't really get the chance to cook or bake. I really do enjoy it.

I get to cut some hair tomorrow and use my Chi Man shampoo for the first time. I'm pretty excited about it. =)

My friend and I were chatting over some beverages while half watching something about the Great Wall of China. It brought up his memories of his time he spent there. We had a good conversation about politics, which I typically try to stay away from, but the hold the government has on the people over there is a little terrifying. He said they even control what you can and cannot look up on the internet. I think my biggest fear would be to have no access to information. There is still so much I want to know and learn. It makes me wonder what kind of blocks there are on the US internet. Very scary.

I probably ought to sleep so I can get to school on time.

Sweet dreams, internet.
-Remes

I was just notified!

Matrix just sent me an email confirming that I am a semifinalist!!! I am so, so very excited!!! I cannot contain myself!!! Or the exclamation points!!!

!!!

Okay, enough. *deep breath* This is starting to feel real and I am so full of joy right now. I cannot believe that this might actually happen for me. I have been waiting for an opportunity like this all my life- I just never knew it until it came to me.

I'm at work, so I have to cut this short, but more to come very, very soon.

I'm going to go ahead and say dream big, because they just might come true.
=D
-Remes

Stuff

I'm not too pleased right now.

I really am a damn fool. Well, whatever.

I really want to hear something from the Matrix program I applied for. ANYTHING would be great. I'm so impatient!

I have a horrible toothache!

I hate taking pain killers, but I make exceptions for tooth problems.

I have a serious phobia of the dentist, but a girl's got to do what a girls got to do. I'm really not excited about having to miss school for it either. I was trying to wait until I graduated before heading off to the land of fillings, but my teeth have other plans for me.

If it's not one thing it's another... but nothing will stand in my way of getting my license except death itself.

Well internet, my pills are making it hard to focus and I have a special man making me dinner. More to come when I come down.

<3
-Remes

Second Chances

I have recently been stood up by a guy that I really wanted to go out with. He’s asking for a second chance.

The survivalist in me is screaming, “No! Run the other way!” But the optimist in me is saying, “What’s wrong with giving it a shot?” I’m afraid that just saying yes will come off as, “Sure, walk all over me and I’ll just come back for more.”

When did dating become so complicated? Maybe it’s always been this way and I had just never noticed because I used to be a serial monogamist. And honestly, if it’s this complicated for me this soon, is that really a good idea?

I suck at dating.

For the first time in a long time, I am actually scared.

On Wednesday, my boss sprang on me that we have four "mandatory" meetings next week from 7:45-9:15. I'm supposed to be in school by 8... I can't miss anymore school as I am already over my contract time, but if I do not go to these meetings, I will not have a job by Thursday.

I have been backed into a corner.

Either option I choose, I am totally screwed. I honestly don't know what I can do. I do know that I will not go down without a fight, so I guess starting tomorrow I'll make as many phone calls as I can to try and save my job. I'll also check on my application that I put in.

Why does life have to be so damn complicated?

Grr.

I'm feeling fairly frustrated this evening.

Today was good, though. I won an updo competition this morning and sold 3 new lines at work. I also did two haircuts I can be proud of. =) I have a test in the morning on my nail chapter... bleh. I really ought to just go to bed. I know if I go out for one drink, it may turn into more. Yes, I think I will just lay low this evening.

Well, now that that's decided I can move onto more important things floating through my brain. I have to do a 60 second video to apply for the Matrix program. I'm slightly nervous about this. I'm not sure what I can get out in 60 seconds without talking so fast that you can't understand me. Ha! I have really never wanted something so badly before. It really is a once in a lifetime experience and a one in a million shot. Well, I guess it's technically 6 in a million. I'm down with the better odds! I'll be working on that for the next few days, I immagine.

In any case, I do plan on traveling as much as possible next year. I can't believe I'm graduating in just a few months. It's exciting/scarey/a dream come true. I really do need to remember to stop and be thankful for all of the wonderful things in my life. Well, I believe it's finally time for me to study some more.

Wish me luck!
-Remes

Colorado

This last journey to Colorado was pretty amazing. I really feel like I learned a lot about and really connected to myself. I hiked a freaking mountain for goodness sake (the picture is the actual mountain I hiked). Not to mention the fact that I swam in a huge lake. For a lot of people that's not really a big deal, but with the whole phobia of water that I have going on- I think it means a lot. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin as I did when I was there.

Thankfully I brought some of this home with me. I feel better about myself on the whole. I still have my quirks, but they make me who I am. For the first time in a very long time I like who I am. I just need to stay focused and keep doing what I love.

Goodnight, world. Peaceful dreams.
-Remes

Matrix designed something just for me.

Seriously. They have a program that students can apply for that is an all expenses paid six month adventure to different salons and shows. All I would have to do if I was chosen is write about my experiences. Um, hello?!?!? That could not be more perfect for me. The combination of writing, hair, and travel is almost too much to contain! I heard about this in the morning and have been in the best mood all day at even just the prospect of being able to possibly go on this journey. It would be so perfect! I'm not sure what I'm going to do after I graduate anymore and would love this opportunity so very, very much. I've been considering a time zone change for some time now and to be able to travel to so many different places in six months would be amazing. I have nothing holding me back from going.

This could not be more perfect for me!
*Cheers!
-Remes

Well, I added a picture.

I'm not sure I want to do the whole anonymous thing anymore. I want to write. I'll still be honest as poo in my posts, because- well, no one reads this really. Haha!

I am pretty much flat broke right now. I'm so very excited by that. Oh! I just realized I have mileage to be reimbursed from my company for a training I had to drive to... Yes! Well that will help. =) I took the day off school today, I guess. I need to get some things done around the house like finish my laundry, clean my room, and clean the bathroom. I may watch a movie too. I need a new book to read... I am rambling. My brain never stops! I also need to finish getting my ex's things together to give back to him.

Oh boy. I guess I better get busy!

Cheers!
-Remes

So I went on a date...

It was kind of nice. I got tired of waiting around, so I went over to a friend's house and had a few beers... on an empty stomach. Woops. Naturally when dude (who we've been calling BiPolar) finally called, I was slightly drunk. My bad. I ended up going, had a few glasses of wine at the restaraunt. It was a pretty nice place. I think it was like $60 or $80 for the dinner and wine. Whatever, he paid.

Reason we've been calling him BiPolar: "I'm not feeling 100% attracted" me-"alright, that's cool. Thanks for not dicking me around" BP-"yeah, I just didn't want to lead you on." 4 hours later, "So are we still on for tomorrow?" me-"WTF?"

He's very hot and cold... Not so sure I have time for all of that. Actually, I'm sure I don't have time for that. I'm enjoying my freedom and not having to worry if I'm going to hurt anyone's feelings. I also don't want to get tied to the area again. My dreams are too big for this town. I'm not a fan of the male selection either, frankly.

I think I might spend more time in Alton with a work friend. She's been hanging out at a pub that has live music. Totally dig it.

School has been going pretty rad. I had a $92 ticket... That means my ass was busy today.

Well, I'm off to the land of dreams and rest...
*May the starts keep you
-JA Remus

Single life...

I'm having a hard day today. I'm not sure if it's a full moon, the fact that I got 4 hours of sleep, or if I'm just on my way to being bitter for the rest of my life. In any case, today is rough. One of my good friends was in town for about a week and a half, but she's on an airplane now flying back to her home and other life. I will miss her like crazy this time more than last I believe. I have been so reserved and full of remorse that I have been refusing to meet new people because, well, people are mean and people hurt. So why get close to anyone? This is my delima. I have been burned and burned and burned. I'm not sure I want to stick my hand back in the fire.

Cheers!

Reboot, reload.

I discovered that I am shy again. I'm starting to realize that when my life fell apart 2 years ago that it was actually like someone wiped my hard drive. When all of it went down I would show up an hour early for work because I couldn't remember what time I used to leave to get there on time. I couldn't figure it out in my head if it took me x amount of minutes to get there, then I would need to leave at whatever time. I couldn't remember what I liked to eat, or when I was suposed to eat it. It's really freaking me out that I am just now realizing this.

On one hand, I'm really not excited about having to work through all of this again because it's a lot of work, but on the other hand- I get to start almost from scratch again. It's not my fault that it happened to me all at once; I can't go back in time and change it. Why not embrace the opportunity to reinvent myself and do better this time than before?

Here's to optomism!

I'm going to try this...

A little about me:
I'm a 23 year old female.
I'm not going to tell my friends about this blog.
No one knows I go by J.A. Remus except for me.
I want to try my hand at writing again.
I'm currently going to cosmetology school which is a dream come true. I worked so hard to get there, it amazes me every single day I get to walk in and learn. It puts me in a very vulnerable state because I have an issue with perfectionism.
I go to therapy because I have a hard time dealing with my emotions and my past.
I feel like I have lost my ability to feel and experience new things because of my fear of getting hurt again.

So that's why I'm anonymously writing. I can't stand to be judged.

I'm not sure what will end up in here. I have a lot of things going on. I'm working on my self esteem, I'm traveling this summer, I have major relationship issues, I have a problem with bluntness, and I can be dramatic.

We shall see!