After I was not chosen for Spread the Love, while I was in New York, I understood why the other peoole were chosen over me. I learned a lot about myself and what I am, what I want to be, and what I need to change. I am still grateful for my experience, it really showed me my true colors. I also know that if I was just discovering them there, then I really wasn't going to be the best fit over my fellow finalists.
When I left the hotel, I went to the fron desk and asked for a car to La Guardia. I started to cry. I walked out front and smoked a cigarette, still crying. When I got into the cab, I stopped. Sam called me to make sure I'd gotten up when I needed to. I told him I was already on my way to the airport, he told me he loved me and I him and we hung up. Tears started falling again. All morning at the airport I felt drained, weepy, and strange. I wanted to be home in bed, but I wanted to be back at the Matrix academy learning and soaking up more from them. I wanted to be there to support my new friends; I did not want to go home and tell everyone I failed.
When I got back I called Sandy (my instructor and owner of my school). I wanted to call her that morning, but I knew I'd cry in the airport. I stood outside the terminal and talked to her, she was proud of me. I didn't understand why. I didn't make it.
My parents picked me up and asked me about the trip. I was physically and emotionally drained. I just wanted to sleep. They convinced me I needed to eat something, so we went to lunch. I picked at a salad and had a BLT. While eating, a part of my bad tooth chipped off. It freaked me out and I didn't want to eat any more. They took me home and I slept... More like coma'd for four hours. I got up, took a shower, and wanted to go out. I started to do my hair and my Chi wouldn't work. It worked in New York, but when I plugged it in, nothing happened. I obviously got a little upset. It's the iron I use at the salon, so I have to buy a new one. Not exactly what I wanted to do with my money at this point in time. I straitened my hair with a curling iron decently enough, and went out. I had a good night, but it was starting to feel like I had dreamed my New York experience. I really felt like I was somebody in New York, and to come back and just be myself again wasn't the best feeling in the world. I knew I'd changed, but my surroundings and my environment was making me feel differently. I started to believe it.
Ronnie and I had a good night. I missed him more than I cared to admit, but after I lost the only place I really wanted to be was in his arms. I like the person I see reflected in his eyes, not the one in mine when I look in the mirror. After I lost, I went back to the hotel and sat in front of a mirror for a long time. I stared myself in the eyes and wondered who I'd let myself become. I couldn't remember when I stopped caring about myself, but I have a vague idea of the timeframe.
Yesterday, I went to a memorial for one of my instructor's children. She was unfortunate enough to lose two children this month. I became emotional as soon as I saw her. I can't stand that something this tragic happened to her. When I left, I decided that I wanted to go to the mall and buy some makeup for myself. I received a gift card from Matrix when I was in New York and I wanted to do something nice for myself with it. On my way to the mall, my engine shut down.
Yes, I was driving and my engine shut off. My car will not start now, and I have no idea what is wrong with it. I have absolutely no money to pay for it to be repaired. I'm more than a little upset about my car.
So to recap: as soon as I get back my tooth breaks, my Chi breaks, and my car is broken down. I was laying in bed last night, fairly confident I might be hit by a bus or get food poisoning today, and I lost it. I'm not a crier. I never cry. Especially not when I'm at home.
My mentality at that point was, "I get it. I'm home, I'm a nobody again, please stop shitting on me, life."
Today I'm choosing to not be upset. Correction: I'm trying not to be upset. It's hard. Instead of my thoughts last night, I'm taking it as a sign to never forget New York. I'm taking it as a sign that if I stay here and continue down the path I was headed, that this will be my life. I have been warned that I should never settle for mediocracy or this is what my life will ultimately end up as; getting shit on every time I turn around.
There's my life lesson I'm sharing with the world.
-Remes
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